Life & Growth

December 26, 2019  •  Leave a Comment

I’m sitting in a small cafe in Chicago thinking about either doing actual work even though I’m off or continuing my top photo blog from 2019. Then I realized I’m in an area that me and first love walked around together at one point. She had family in this area and we didn’t spend a ton time here but enough that it brings her to my mind. To be honest she’s on my mind most of the times I’m in Chicago because that is where we ended things and we made a few fun memories here. Realizing this made me decide to not do anything I had planned and instead to open up my notes on my computer and just write my thoughts. I have no clue if I will release this for you all to read. If so, hi. Hi to my friends, family, exes and everyone in between that may have gotten a hold of this in some way. 

I am a very sentimental person. I tend to relate people with places and those stick with me for quite some time if that person or place held a significance meaning in my life. That is why even though we broke up in August of 2018 I’m still thinking of my first love in December of 2019. And that is okay. I’m not writing this because I want her back or her attention or for anyone to “feel bad for me”. I’m writing this for you all to read something about being okay with not being okay with something you think you should be over and done with. To read something that you can relate to and maybe will help you feel better. We all have had heartbreak in some capacity in our lives. We all deal with it differently and it sits with us in different ways.

I have a great life. I am building what I would say is a pretty successful business in its first year of true existence. I have so many people around me who support and love me daily. I even had another relationship since. However, the first love is always something different. It hits different. Even a year and a half later. There is an ache. It is not an ache for her to be back in my life. It’s not the ache I had when my heart was broken into pieces. I truly believe that it’s an ache of what was there and what I’m missing. Which isn’t specifically her anymore. It’s more the connection, the good times, the relationship, the memories in a place that meant a lot to both of us. Which is probably why I feel it now, in Chicago. That is sort of why I’m writing this. To remind myself that all of this is okay. I am hard on myself and I am not mad at how I feel.

The way I feel is okay. I can have a great life and still feel this way. It’s not a continuous feeling. As my dad said about a year ago, that ache is going to come and go further and further apart. It’s been a really long time since I’ve truly thought about her in this type of capacity. That is why I felt the need to write this. To be proud of the growth and to remember this is okay. However, it’s the way I react where it might not be okay. It’s not okay to just stay in bed and not even attempt to do what I love or do what makes me happier. I overcame that sadness before, I won’t drift back into it when it’s not that deep right now, not when I’ve grown this much. 

That is why I’m out in Chicago. I love walking around the city. This was my city before it was ever “ours”. The memories I first have here are with my family. We would bike around the city. One time got a flat tire biking around because I thought I could jump a curb that was about a foot high.. I could not and my tire got demolished because of it. I skated at Navy Pier with my cousin as well as gotten hot chocolate while walking around during the winter. Every summer for as long as I can remember, me and my dad have rode our bicycles down the lake front. Since I’ve been old enough to come into the city by myself, I always make a point to make it down there for at least one day, no matter how long my trip is. This is one of my favorite place and I am continuing to reclaim it in my mind because my feelings still sort of have it claimed in a different way. 

It’s okay that I still remember those memories, they were good and in the moment they meant a lot. Now they are just that, memories. Ones that I can look back on and smile. I’m excited to continue to make my own. Those can be just going to a coffee shop and doing work. They may be me wandering around downtown with no particular reason or purpose. It might be going shopping for something or going to a baseball game with my aunt. Whatever it is, these are my memories and no one can take them from me. This is my life. I am emotional. I am empathetic. I am sentimental. That is who I am and that will never stop. I will continue to feel and care hard. However, I will also continue to heal myself, reclaim my favorite places, grow emotionally and become stronger because of it. I’m stronger now than I was in August of 2018. I’m stronger than I ever have been. I am confident. I am emotional. I am me and I love who I am. 

If you read up to this point, please remember that everything truly does happen for a reason. We may not always know the reason. I know the reason both of my relationships didn’t work. I have come to terms with it. There are other things I don’t know the reason for. However, I still believe in it and I know that with time and patience something will happen that will make everything else make sense. So for now, just trust it, even when it’s hard. Go out with friends, do what you love. Do what truly makes you happy, no mater if you have to do it alone. Don’t wait for other people. Again, it is not easy, but it is always worth it. 

Now, the real last thing. I started writing this in the morning before I walked around one of my favorite cities. Now its the middle of the afternoon and I have had a full day. I had a diner breakfast, bought new shoes, had another coffee and even bought a couple graphic tees. Not all in that order. Why am I saying all this? Because I went out and did what I knew what would make me happy. I had no idea where the day would take me, but I took the day into my own hands and let it happen. I did what I wanted and honestly I treated myself. Buying the shoes was one of the best moments of the day. The saleswomen was wearing the same shoes I ended up buying. It was a fun moment when she took a snapchat of our feet as the the coworkers were commenting on it in in a good way. It made my smile and laugh because it was a purely genuine moment in my eyes. A memory that, knowing me and my sentimental self, I will remember basically forever. Also, the shoes are amazing, a bit different than what I normally buy and have made me happy. I treated myself because I deserved it. Just as I deserved this week off from editing my photos. I’m putting myself first. I’m putting my happiness, my mental and emotional health first. Weird how much I’ve grown because of it. Just the smallest thing can make the biggest impact.

I don't know who will read this, what you all will think about it. If I could say one more thing and keep it as short as I can, I would say this: I have anxiety that i'm working in some capacity every single day and doing that has changed my life because now sentimental places or thoughts like this which might have brought me down a bad hole a year ago, has turned today into one of the best days of my vacation. Hope you all are loving yourselves and have a great day! 


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